DIVA Magazine is one of the few (as in 2 that I know of) lesbian magazines in the UK. Oh, I’m sure there are more but this is what I call an “official” periodical. It is published monthly and I enjoy reading it, in fact, I’m wishing they would do a contest for a lifetime subscription. I’d enter … as many times as I could.
In the April 2009 issue, they printed an “article” … well, not an article in the traditional sense of the word, but it is, two pages of jokes. Credited to Kim Renfrew and the DIVA crew, it made for some entertaining reading. I hope it manages to tickle your funny bone a bit.
A Mother Always Knows:
Heather invites her mother for dinner. During the meal, her mum can’t help thinking how beautiful Heather’s roommate is. She has long been suspicious of Heather’s sexuality and this only makes her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she starts to wonder if there’s more between them than meets the eye.
Reading her mum’s thoughts, Heather suddenly says, ‘I know what you must be thinking, mum, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates.’
About a week later, Suzy comes to Heather and says, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’
Heather replies, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.’
So she sits down and writes: ‘Dear Mum, I’m not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.’
Several days later, Heather receives a letter in reply, which reads: ‘Dear Daughter, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Suzy, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with Suzy, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum.’
Two straight women are seated next to a lesbian on an overseas flight. After a few drinks, the women begin to discuss their home lives.
‘Last night I made love to my boyfriend three times,’ the first straight woman brags, ‘and this morning he brought me a cup of coffee and he told me how much he loved me.’
‘Well, last night I made love to my boyfriend four times,’ the second straight woman says, ‘and this morning he brought me a coffee and croissant in bed, and told me he’d never love another woman.’
When the lesbian remains silent, the first straight woman smugly asks, ‘And how many times did you make love to your girlfriend last night?’
‘Once,’ she replies.
‘Only once?’ the other straight woman snorts. ‘And what did she say to you this morning?’
A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks, one on each side of her inner thigh.
The doctor instructs her to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs.
Sitting between the young woman’s legs, the doctor looks up and asks if she’s a lesbian.
The young woman blushes and says, ‘Why, yes I am.’
The doctor stands up and says, ‘Don’t worry, your rash will go away.’ The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor replies, ‘Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings are cheap.’
A lesbian couple go to the fairground. One of them goes on the Ferris wheel and the other waits for her. The wheel goes round and round and suddenly the girl is thrown out and lands in a heap at her girlfriend’s feet.
‘Are you hurt?’ she asks.
‘Of course I’m hurt!’ the other replies. ‘Three times around and you didn’t wave once!’
In The Far, Far West…:
An old cowboy sits down at the bar and orders a drink. As he sits sipping his drink, a young woman sits down next to him. After ordering a drink, she turns to him and asks, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replies, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I’m a cowboy.’
She says, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.It seems that everything makes me think of women.’
The two sit sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sits down on the other side of the old cowboy and asks, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replies, ‘I always thought I was, but I’ve just found out I’m a lesbian.’
Last year I watched a Bisexual Pride Parade. It was confusing, though, because it went both ways.
Oldies, But Goodies:
Q How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Four. One to change it, two to make a documentary about it and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.
Q How many stone butches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Only one, but the lightbulb has to promise it won’t screw back.
Q How many lesbian feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A That’s not funny.
Q What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A Well endowed
Q What does Samantha Ronson always take to the beach?
A A LiLo
Q What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A A Lickalotopus
Q What’s a lesbian tennis player’s favourite cocktail?
A Martini Navratilova
Q What do you call an armed faction of lesbian singer-songwriters?
A Militia Etheridge
Q How many 1970s lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A 10: one to change the bulb, four to produce a manifesto about the reasons change is needed and five to set up a non-hierarchical, non-patriarchal encounter group.
Welcome To Paradise – But First…:
A lesbian dies and finds herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St Petra.
She asks her, ‘Oh, is this the place I think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to Heaven?’
St Petra replies, ‘Yes, my dear, these are the Gates of Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.’
The woman is very excited, and asks what she must do to pass through the Gates.
‘Spell a word,’ St Petra replies.
‘Any word,’ comes the answer, ‘it’s your choice.’
The woman promptly replies, ‘Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.’
St Petra congratulates her on her good fortune to have made it into Heaven, and asks her if she wouldn’t mind taking her place at the gates for a few minutes while she has a break.
‘I’d be honoured,’ says the lesbian, ‘but what should I do if someone comes while you’re gone?’
St Petra reassures her, and instructs her simply tohave any new arrivals spell a word, as she has done.
So the woman is left sitting in St Petra’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her. Suddenly, another woman approaches the gates, and she realises it’s her partner.
‘What happened?’ she cries, ‘Why are you here?’
Her partner stares at her for a moment, then says, ‘I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I’m here! Did I really make it to Heaven?’
To which the woman replies, ‘Not yet. First you must spell a word.’
Two lesbians are out playing golf. They tee off. One drives to the right of the fairway, and the other goes to the left.
One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks the golfer’s path to her golf bag and says, ‘I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter, you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.’
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the golfer calls out to her partner, ‘Hey, where’s your ball?’
‘It’s over here in the pussy willows.’
‘WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T HIT THE BALL! DON’T HIT THE BALL!’
In order yo save on holiday costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night, Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder and says, ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about myself. I’ll be frank tonight. I’m a lesbian.’
‘That’s OK,’ replies the other girl, ‘I’ll be Frank tomorrow night, I’m a lesbian too!’
Credit: April 2009 issue, DIVA Magazine