How it is

Negativity, something that can cause bad feelings within us. It can make us angry or bring us down, and it is never a good thing.

For years, my world revolved around negativity of one sort or another. To be honest, it was easy to tell people on the other end of the phone, on skype or wherever they happened to be as long as they could not physically see me that I was smiling even when I wasn’t or to fake laughter when the last thing I wanted to do was laugh. To lie to them, to put on a clown’s face that hid grimaces, frowns or angry glares. It became a habit.

One day however, something changed in my life, something I wasn’t looking for, didn’t expect and wasn’t sure how to react to. I behaved in a way that had become unnatural for me out of habit, yet was perfectly natural, because I behaved like me. I was really smiling, laughing, grinning and I was, for the first time in many years, enjoying life.

I stepped out of the darkness and into the light of day that was so bright that it blinded me. Blinded me to the anger I had felt, to the feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere and eventually to the horror that took over my mind when I looked in a mirror and saw the scars that encompassed my chest. Perhaps encompassed is not a good word. More like a long stretch of road that went on for miles and miles with nothing scenic to be seen on either side of the pitch black asphalt, or a blank canvas that wanted to be adorned by an artist unknown.

Out there in the blinding light was the artist, she appeared out of nowhere, as if by magic and she stayed, undeterred by the obstacles that I threw in her path. Obstacles made out of memories, hurt, longing and fear that built walls meant to never crumble. Yet crumble they did, brick by brick, crumbs of cement raining upon the shrapnel like hailstones on a lake.

There have been a few rough patches, when walls tried to rebuild themselves almost as if the Sorcerer’s Apprentice had enchanted the bricks and cement, yet left alone, they shattered again. I remember somewhere down the vast lines of conversations that created a bridge between us, a promise of no negativity and for the most part, there has not been any. Oh sure, you say … I bet you fought and argued and turned your backs on each other from time to time … but I can count them on one hand and even then, it wasn’t something serious, it could have turned into something bad, but it didn’t, and that in itself amazed me.

So as I sit here now with a mind full of thoughts, I thank you … For making like good in a way I can’t remember it ever being. For showing me that while I may stumble over the cobblestones, that it is ok to get up and try again. For giving breath to my soul, love to my heart and making the only blue in my life the blue of your eyes. For making sure that my life is full of positives and that negativity is a thing of the past.

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2 Responses to How it is

  1. Shylah says:

    I consider myself to be lucky to have been able to see through those fake smiles now and then. I tried to poke little holes in those walls, and stick a flashlight up to them.. all the while, you were doing the same to me. I can’t even find words for how happy I am that you’ve found your love, and that you’re finally basking in the sun. You’ve earned it, my friend.

  2. Chris says:

    Shylah, thank you for your cherished friendship, your musical intuition and your laughter. I am so proud of all you have achieved and I’m glad you have found someone to share your true self with.

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